Bleed Away Her Sins

Last Post.

2009-03-05T01:28:00.003-04:00

Thirty-second Post.

2009-01-19T00:29:00.002-04:00

YAY I'm hired.
Minus away some dulan staff & lunch breaks, job's been treating me quite alright.
$7/h for opening phones, packing phones, smiling & random chitchat.
Plus, J's booking out in 5 days.
Oh yea life's good.
(:

Thirtieth Post.

2008-12-31T12:30:00.002-04:00

Between 23:59:50 of 31st December 2008 til the end of the fireworks display on channel 5 tv, I was thinking about many things.

Before anything, I realized how alone it was to be, sitting by yourself in your living room, with your tv being the only source of noise and life around.

Then I thought of calling polie, because though I'm beyong content with having just one friend I'm afraid of being around nobody at all. But I remembered that she was out tonight, certainly happy despite whatever tiffs they had earlier that day, and I wouldn't wreck that because it means a lot to me that she's happy.

When the fireworks started, I wished I was out too; such a beautiful night to spend away with your baby at marina barrage or somewhere pretty. But no, he was busy & the part of me that wasn't wishing we could spend the starting moments of a new year together is so proud of him. Yes baby, you looked so goddammed awesome up there (: Still. I was totally reminded of what the arrival of 1st January 2009 means: 7 days to the 7th. Haha. That was a bitter laugh, it was an I-fucking-don't-know-what-to-say kind of laugh. And as I watched the fireworks appear and disappear on the television screen, I randomly realized that time keeps going and those passed can never be retrieved. Things that've happened in the past will remain in the past, be it the good or bad, happy or devastating, a show, a breakup, a quarrel, a party, an outing, holding a hand, a hug, a kiss... those who've shared those moments with you may or may not remember it & you'll probably never find out if they do, or if it meant as much to them as it did to you. So basically it's afterall quite pointless that things happen in the first place, other than the feeling it gives you at that very particular moment.

Really really wished we could have spent it together, face-to-face and not separated by half the length of singapore & a fucking screen. I cry just a little, because I think it's karma. I'd ruined someone's end of 2007 and having 2008 go like this for me is no doubt retribution. Renewed memories leading to attempts of such belated apologies aren't worth nuts, I know. That's why I've learnt to let the past go & really just move on. There were so many things I'd wanted to tell you, to say sorry for, to let you know I've finally realized how much I've taken you for granted all this while, but the time's over & bringing it up now would be plain silly. But for what it's worth, I'm sorry. For everything I didn't, couldn't, wouldn't do. You've been nothing but wonderful & tolerant & accepting but I was too caught up to figure that out, I've been too selfish & ignorant and for the pain that it's caused, I apologize once more.

This year (well last year to be exact), I thought it would make my parents happy if I stayed home & countdown to the new year with them. Make up for the times I've psed them to go out with friends & whoelses, and even more for the countless days I've been missing from home during that period last year because I was so occupied with dance dance dance. But it didn't work cos they went out to catch fireworks, which I didn't cos I wanted to stay home & watch J.

Haha, I think I'm a little crazy sometimes, maybe most of the time. I'm so inwardly confused I often do things for reasons I don't understand. I love giving & giving to a person whether or not it's appreciated, or whether or not I'm getting enough in return. Wait, of course it bugs me if I don't, but there's a part of me that thinks I actually take delight in being internally twisted like this - at least you feel something, and because happiness is so hard to find. Call it sadistic? Perhaps. Haha I'm honestly quite tired to analyse anything anymore.

I'm ageing, getting uglier with every passing day and staying as sian as ever. I don't understand how he, or anyone else for that matter, can stand me or even wanna be with me. He doesn't need me, I'm just a shiny piece of chain hanging off the side of his pants. He's got friends to attend to, events to go for and practises to keep him busy. Lifestyles don't change, but accessories do. It's just a matter of time before you find another you prefer. So single people are smart in a way, they don't break since you can't lose what you never had.

Goodnight world.

Twenty-ninth Post.

2008-11-12T06:45:00.003-04:00

Two papers left.
And I think already think As are over.
Things come and go, whether they're the things we dread or the things we love.
Life gives you weird thoughts sometimes/most of the time.

My fringe's getting too long for my own good.

-hides from lightning-
):
I really don't like lightning.

Twenty-eighth Post.

2008-09-27T02:32:00.004-04:00

1. There are 30 questions.
2. Next to each number, write only the name of the person who fits.
3. Answer one question with one name.
4. Don't tell the questions to anyone who isn't doing the meme. (PS: If you agree to do the meme, then I'll send you the questions.)
(PPS: I'm only doing the meme cos the person wouldn't gimme the questions unless I did it. Aha lurrb.)

1. -raises eyebrow-
2. Heather
3. Fiona
4. Shantini
5. Cherylnn
6. Elton
7. Carolanne
8. Natalie
9. Jinghan, Allyssa, I really can't decide.
10. Jinghan
11. Jiehui
12. I think this is a trick question.
13. Jillian
14. Girly: My math teacher. Manly: Celestia
15. Michelle, HAHA.
16. Grandma
17. Freddie
18. Jinghan (Again!)
19. Meigui
20. Quite some, but all in different ways.
21. Ah.
22. Mm.
23. Myself
24. Charlyn
25. Wanzhen
26. I cannot D: Ahee.
27. Allyssa
28. Jiehuan
29. Austin Scarlett
30. Damn tired.

Twenty-seventh Post.

2008-09-23T11:32:00.002-04:00

Reason for the existence of sadness -
a peaceful, painless way to death that we're afraid of.

Reason for the existence of death -
so we don't have a chance to regret the things we've done.

I realized, that everything in the world makes sense, after all.

Twenty-sixth Post.

2008-09-10T07:36:00.002-04:00

Rainy ECP, yo.

IMISSYOUFUCKLOADS ):

Hurry prelims, hurry end.

Twenty-fifth Post.

2008-08-22T14:02:00.002-04:00

When you start being able to see yourself & things related to you from a third person's point of view, you know something's quite wrong. It's scary, that when you're expected to be supportive & give one-sided views you realize that you can't, all you can is to be freakishly objective & analyse the situation like you're reading it off a literature text. Like your life don't exist and everything that's happening around you is just a story in which you see, learn, and then from those, see & learn some more in the next chapter. You begin to understand human beings so well, see right through their thoughts & actions and realize you don't feel like one because you know so much. And being able to just live with single-digit number of people in your life & being all fine with it just shows how detatched you can be from the world. How you can feel nothing when your man laments to you about the girl he loved but couldn't get. How you can feel happy because you know others are having a good time even though you're half stuck in hell. How sweet words & acts of affection bounce right off you, while you smile more out of mockery than of appreciation.

I've come to realize that I'm terrible at expressing myself in words, like through typing. Maybe that's why I've never liked blogging. And since I've got no self-assumed obligation to report about my life to the world, I can just leave this place to rot again, until I need a place to (try to) rant about things next time. Till then.

Twenty-fourth Post.

2008-07-11T21:24:00.004-04:00

Just 3 days ago I lost my phone, dropped it in a bush somewhere along the road when I was heading to the bus stop. Fretted like hell, panic panic panic, even went to backtrack my steps after I got home and stuff. It's damn suay to lose your phone, especially when you lose it at a place where you're not supposed to be at, zomgg. Crapped up excuses to answer parents' questions & after all that heart-attack-worthy-stress, a nice kind soul called the next morning to say he found it.

<3!!! HAHA I think I'm one fucking lucky woman. Prelims in 38 days, that means 10 days per subject (excluding GP), which means about 2.3 chapters a day, everyday. Hallelujah to all of us miserable J2s.

Don't you see,
We all move on, it's just a matter of who moves on first.

Random guailan picture I saw somewhere, and for some reason it made me smile. Aha.

Twenty-first Post.

2008-06-18T09:40:00.001-04:00

Fuckkkk, I need to start studying.

Twentieth Post.

2008-06-16T09:52:00.003-04:00

Life is ironic, & full of coincidences.

22nd, (ex-)anniversary.
22nd May, long last message, sent in hopes of salvation, date unintended.
22nd June, someone's birthday.

Bankaaaa D: I want the holidays to last forever.

I've been having too much fun not thinking about you, come, remind me of how I used to feel for you.

Broken relationships make one too scared to love properly again, how sad.

Nineteenth Post.

2008-06-03T10:26:00.003-04:00

And it's guys like him that end up single & unmarried for the rest of their lives,
he says.
For some reason I find that rather funny.

It's amusing how I can still make dates & occupy my holidays with going-out/whatever activities with people everyday til now despite being so antisocial & I-hate-the-world-and-everyone-in-it.

Sex & the city is a bad show. It makes you wish that your life had more of the oh-so-fab-fab things you see on screen.
Who wouldn't wanna spend their days dolling up, hanging out with their girls, and checking out hot guys round every corner?
If only life were really that simple.

-

I was going to figure out the postage
and send you my heart for Christmas.
But my friends talked me out of it.
They said,
"Why would you send her something broken?"

No, my friends asked me,
"How could you send her something she's already stolen?"

Eighteenth Post.

2008-05-23T10:12:00.002-04:00

Something from someone, about human beings.

That they get bored with childhood,
they rush to grow up,
and then long to be children again.

That they lose their health to make money,
and then lose their money to restore their health.

That by thinking anxiously about the future,
they forget the present,
such that they live neither in the present nor the future.

That they live as if they would never die,
and die as if they had never lived.

And despite the cheesy background music and all, I thought it made quite some sense.

Seventeenth Post.

2008-05-21T02:59:00.003-04:00

Yay it's the first day after common tests. For once, I'm blogging because I'm bored and not because some shit had just happened. (Clap.) Pretty sian-ing how I don't really feel much excitment or the need to treat myself to nice stuff after a long, ardous journey through terms; it just goes to show how lousy a student I've become since god-remembers-when, one who goes to school knowing that there's gonna be a test but somehow can't really be bothered at all by the fact that I know zilch zero nothing about the topic.

It's not good to analyse life too much, actions of people, intentions of God, ways of fate, it just makes you dudiao & wanna call people guilan, which will then make you wonder if you youself are the guailan one, which will then make you very confused and cannot study. Yeap.

Emo is but a lack of positive attitude.
But who are you to say what's positive?

Fifteenth Post.

2008-04-21T11:58:00.005-04:00

Painful.
Heartwrenching.
Emotional wreck.
Tears.

Sane.
Unbothered.
Strong.
Apathetic.

Take your pick, but I've had enough of all these hoping & thinking & feeling & doing things for you. It's making me the pathetic person I detest. I shall go find things to occupy myself with, like the studies that I've been neglecting for too long; hurray for short-term memory. Hurray for inability to multi-task.

Hello Mr Breakup Season, please do leave soon.

Random: Can't wait for Aristal.

Fourteenth Post

2008-03-19T11:51:00.002-04:00

Day went rather terribly, people around and things that I saw quite sucked, ended up emo, again. I think it's crazy and comforting how daddy was the one who managed to cheer me up in the end. Makes me think of a few years back, when kids start growing into teenagers and begin to prioritize friends over their family & people who really truly care about them. Why, oh cos friends are cool and parents are old, naggy and a pain in the ass. Even if they weren't really, they were because everyone used 'rarh, my mom again' with a siandiaoed tone. Which is saddening because I guess there's only a tiny group of people that you meet in your life who truly loved you because of you, unconditionally and unceasingly, and family is part of that very very few. In my case at least.

People who love you feel the ache in their hearts no matter how many times you've cried before. It's hell to get your reaction when a little reassurance, a little understanding, a little bit of freakin love was all I needed.

It's nauseating to see people acting selfishly, doing things that are so sickening and fake but are living happy lives. Guess the world's indeed that blind to flaws, maybe because everyone has them. Maybe everyone commits the same hypocrisy and eyeroll-inducing faults so they forgive others for doing so. I don't know. Or perhaps, I'm just too critical of human beings and am weird cos I'm finding it so hard to comprehend and coexist with my fellow same-species.

Think I've been approaching life the wrong way and thus screwing myself up these recent years. But habits and mindsets that've been successfully psychoed into you through all the previous times that you've been hurt is beyond hard to change. It's for your own sake, you say, like it's so easy to and I'm stubbornly clinging on to my current miserable way of life cos I wish to.

Pardon me if I don't make sense, or if I sound like some crazy ranting creature. Brain starts to get a lil fuzzy past 12. Shoot me if you think I sounded all think-I'm-damn-great, 've grown too tired and battered to care.

Goddammit, I just whine too much.

Hey Daddy,
no thanks for giving me those genes,
but thank you for keeping my sanity tonight.

Thirteenth Post

2008-03-14T11:29:00.001-04:00

Emo is but a lack of positive attitude.

Wow. Some people are just so strong.

Tweflth Post.

2008-01-31T09:03:00.000-04:00

Broken my record, blog posts on two consecutive days.

It's been a crappy day. Sat through an entire day of lessons with a siandiaoed mood, didn't get to see baby at all except for a short while in the morning. Missed him tons & decided to stay back to wait for him til his training ends so we could go out or smthn. Turns out there was a match, baby got to play and he scored a hoop (: I feel happy that I caught it, think it's the first time I watched him play in a proper match. Some shitty things happened after that, mood was ruined and I went to the oasis to sort out stuff in my head and in my fucked up life. Went back to the grandstand to see if the match/training was over, it wasn't. Decided to stone at the canteen while waiting for his call. He did, and reminded me that he had already made plans with churchfriends. And so I headed home, trying not to think of how fucking big a loser I am.

Sorry Mr Tiew, it's not that I don't wanna do my work. It's just that I can't find any mood to.

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

No link, it's just music that suits my mood.

Eleventh Post.

2008-01-30T03:21:00.000-04:00

I sometimes don't really understand myself. It's like I find myself doing things naturally that I feel is right, but more aften than not it turns out shaking its ass at me and telling me that I've got it all wrong. Guess I've got a knack for wasting time doing stupid things and worrying and thinking about things that really don't require such energy spent on it. Perhaps the one good lesson I learnt from my life is that people are selfish. They care only about themselves, mainly. Take what you need, drop what you don't. It's the way of life. Only idiots like me don't seem to be able to grasp this simple fact. So well, I'll keep that smile on. I'll keep the pretence. Isn't that how life's meant to be anyway.

Dependence is a flaw. Beginning to realize that I'm fucking full of flaws.

Okay, on to the happier parts. Ponned dance and spent the afternoon with baby yesterday, even though I had a bloody 1500 argumentative begging to be done. Shopped abit & bought some stuff (curvy lobetunnel accessory! :D), he barely bought anything but a cup of milo. Bus ride got a little bad though, sorry baby, I didn't mean what I said. Got home and started chionging for the essay, had polie on the phone and finished the essay only at 330. Woke up late the next morning, had GP and she killed whatever mood I had left for the rest of the day.

She sians = He sians = and life goes on.

Tenth Post

2007-12-16T07:04:00.000-04:00

Don't care.
Don't care.
I have to stop caring.

-

Birthday was great. Thanks baby, for making it such a special one. I love you, I may not be able to show it well, but I do.

Eighth Post.

2007-09-14T14:10:00.000-04:00

I've had enough of this one-sided game of I-want-you.
To feel so broken, everytime I make a move to reach to you and you don't seem to notice.
To shed so many tears all over again, and you don't seem the least bit bothered.

Fuck, there isn't even a wall for me to rant to.

So maybe this is the meaning of being lonely.
To have your heart ripped out, lacerated, and thrown aside;
praying for an inexistent someone to pick it up and make it all right.

Seventh Post

2007-09-12T08:31:00.000-04:00

SAGITTARIUS - The Happy-Go-Lucky One Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up. Indulges self. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn' t like rules. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out.

This is so hilarious, it made me laugh out loud.

Fifth Post.

2007-07-06T11:06:00.000-04:00

There you go, acting so strong again. Saying that you don't need a thing in another hopeless attempt to turn yourself so.

Life's harsh, it's too much for me to handle.
I should've been born a plant.

Fourth Post.

2007-06-12T11:14:00.000-04:00

(Phone rings)
Me: (Picks up phone) Hello?
X: Hello? Who are you?

Some people are just so weird.

-

I'm studying, chioning, mugging for common test already. Absolutely screwed, it's insane to cram 5 months of work into your brain within 2 weeks. Then again, not like I have much of a choice either. I'm pretty sure everyone, or at least those who've finally realized that we're so short of time, is in this mad rush as well.

For once in ages I feel like I've actually made the right choice, especially for dance; it's not that I don't enjoy going for all those pracs and events and performances, sometimes it's just that we've got much more important things at hand to complete. Maybe I'm giving up this almost-once-in-a-lifetime chance of performing in a whooa place for a whooa event, but someeeehow, it doesn't feel like I'm losing much. (: Yayness for that, I need a bit of self comfort anyways.

13 days to common test, people!

Third Post.

2007-06-10T10:55:00.000-04:00

(:
You're much loved too.

Funny, that out of so many things in the world,
it's the gingerbread man that makes me happy.
I want it upsized, please.

Second Post.

2007-06-09T10:38:00.000-04:00

It kinda sucks to always be behind.

I'm antisocial, I'm unresponsive, I'm proud, I rant too much, I'm a piece of emoshit, and my attitude does have some issues.
It makes perfect sense if no one cares, I totally understand.
So why're you being so nice to me?

You ain't at all the things I hoped to find,
but somehow, weirdly, it's quite enough.
& sometimes I don't even feel like I deserve having you here.

Because when I smile, I never mean it. Okay, maybe once in a while I do, but still. It's not that I don't try, I swear I really do. When I think about it, perhaps the only reason why I smile is for you.

Come,
let's go ride on the ferris wheel.
(:

-

Meepoh's newest entry makes me sad, and at the same time glad. I MISS BESTIE \:

Life in NJ isn't exactly yipadeedoo nowadays, in fact it tips right down to the lousy scale. But I'm happy that we still keep in touch, that our phone conversations though not as frequent are still existant, and that there're times when you miss me as much as I miss you. I'm super glad that I know I've still got you to count on, even if the whole world decides to turn its back on me I don't give a shit about it. Because I've already got what I need.

More than once I've wondered if staying in NJ was the right choice, maybe if I've hopped over to your school when I still had the chance we'd be happily together somehow. (hell, we'd have been in the same frickin cca!) For the past 6(?) years it's been like that, I guess moving on with life without you just doesn't seem quite right. Damn babe, I love you damn fucking much and you better know it.

-

People tell themselves things that they don't mean, convince themselves of things that they know aren't really true.

I laugh at these idiots sometimes, but

What's so bad about a bit of self-denial anyway?

First Post.

2007-06-03T11:42:00.000-04:00

Ohhhmygod. I spent so much friggin time on this template and I still can't get the weird overlapping word thingys on the top to go away. It pisses me off so much \:

Quick random post, cos my eyes are killing me and I refuse to consider my blog complete without a post.

Somehow I keep thinking about that old lady at some Macs in Chinatown. She's damn cute, when we bought some shakerfries and sat down at the table next to hers she felt the need to point out to us that the seasoning was seaweed, not pepper. Chatted a little with her; she looked happy (: Felt like such a good kid can. Offered her our shakerfries some more, though I was a bit worried that her hand was dirty, but she was too adorable. She said she didn't want cos she has her "yi-li-yi-li-de" (points at her cup corn). -awww-

Well anyways, went off to grab drinks from seven-eleven and when we walked past Macs again like ages later, she was still there sitting inside. And she looked like she was gonna spend the night there, she was half asleep and everything already. It's terrible, that such a nice old lady should be in such a situation.

): I felt like bringing her home, but obviously I can't.
She's a human not a cat.

Excoelects meeting in school early in the morning tmrw. Ahh, life is cruel.