Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Between 23:59:50 of 31st December 2008 til the end of the fireworks display on channel 5 tv, I was thinking about many things.
Before anything, I realized how alone it was to be, sitting by yourself in your living room, with your tv being the only source of noise and life around.
Then I thought of calling polie, because though I'm beyong content with having just one friend I'm afraid of being around nobody at all. But I remembered that she was out tonight, certainly happy despite whatever tiffs they had earlier that day, and I wouldn't wreck that because it means a lot to me that she's happy.
When the fireworks started, I wished I was out too; such a beautiful night to spend away with your baby at marina barrage or somewhere pretty. But no, he was busy & the part of me that wasn't wishing we could spend the starting moments of a new year together is so proud of him. Yes baby, you looked so goddammed awesome up there (: Still. I was totally reminded of what the arrival of 1st January 2009 means: 7 days to the 7th. Haha. That was a bitter laugh, it was an I-fucking-don't-know-what-to-say kind of laugh. And as I watched the fireworks appear and disappear on the television screen, I randomly realized that time keeps going and those passed can never be retrieved. Things that've happened in the past will remain in the past, be it the good or bad, happy or devastating, a show, a breakup, a quarrel, a party, an outing, holding a hand, a hug, a kiss... those who've shared those moments with you may or may not remember it & you'll probably never find out if they do, or if it meant as much to them as it did to you. So basically it's afterall quite pointless that things happen in the first place, other than the feeling it gives you at that very particular moment.
Really really wished we could have spent it together, face-to-face and not separated by half the length of singapore & a fucking screen. I cry just a little, because I think it's karma. I'd ruined someone's end of 2007 and having 2008 go like this for me is no doubt retribution. Renewed memories leading to attempts of such belated apologies aren't worth nuts, I know. That's why I've learnt to let the past go & really just move on. There were so many things I'd wanted to tell you, to say sorry for, to let you know I've finally realized how much I've taken you for granted all this while, but the time's over & bringing it up now would be plain silly. But for what it's worth, I'm sorry. For everything I didn't, couldn't, wouldn't do. You've been nothing but wonderful & tolerant & accepting but I was too caught up to figure that out, I've been too selfish & ignorant and for the pain that it's caused, I apologize once more.
This year (well last year to be exact), I thought it would make my parents happy if I stayed home & countdown to the new year with them. Make up for the times I've psed them to go out with friends & whoelses, and even more for the countless days I've been missing from home during that period last year because I was so occupied with dance dance dance. But it didn't work cos they went out to catch fireworks, which I didn't cos I wanted to stay home & watch J.
Haha, I think I'm a little crazy sometimes, maybe most of the time. I'm so inwardly confused I often do things for reasons I don't understand. I love giving & giving to a person whether or not it's appreciated, or whether or not I'm getting enough in return. Wait, of course it bugs me if I don't, but there's a part of me that thinks I actually take delight in being internally twisted like this - at least you feel something, and because happiness is so hard to find. Call it sadistic? Perhaps. Haha I'm honestly quite tired to analyse anything anymore.
I'm ageing, getting uglier with every passing day and staying as sian as ever. I don't understand how he, or anyone else for that matter, can stand me or even wanna be with me. He doesn't need me, I'm just a shiny piece of chain hanging off the side of his pants. He's got friends to attend to, events to go for and practises to keep him busy. Lifestyles don't change, but accessories do. It's just a matter of time before you find another you prefer. So single people are smart in a way, they don't break since you can't lose what you never had.
Goodnight world.
pop at /
12:30
